If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
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me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog