Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
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wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
“OMGJK” -atheists
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic