[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
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Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Seems a bit forward
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
I don’t think my car can fly
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Woke up with morning Yule Log
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*