I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
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*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
I cannot call her anything else now
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over