Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
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His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.