Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
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5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
They’re stuck in your pants?
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Hot Hot Hot
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
this came to me in a vision
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.