Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
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FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled