If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
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It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
The Others (2001)
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.