[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
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hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy