*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
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I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!