I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
You Might Also Like
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
😅😅😅
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.