This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
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Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Body by Oreos
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars