My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
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me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
O Wise One….
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Tony Hawk, age 6
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
this is the best day of my life
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.