Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
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If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?