I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
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Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
when dads have a rap battle
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please