I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
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If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school