7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
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When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
shut up and take my money
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
🍞🦆
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Good point.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.