Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
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*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?