“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
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I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Lol #dogsoftwitter
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.