Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
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99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
I think I’m having a stroke
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*