My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
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DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Perfect.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.