There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
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A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room