It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
You Might Also Like
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Breaking news:
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money