Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
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Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.