My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
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Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully