I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
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Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.