Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
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My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Green is just blue that someone peed in
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher