I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
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How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
And now we wait
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.