If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
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Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
This probably isn’t good
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?