[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
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doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour