Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
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casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.