People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
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A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
going to the ER y’all need anything
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.