If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
You Might Also Like
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*