Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
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Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women