When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
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Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
This is Sparta
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.