I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
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ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.