God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
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My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”