If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
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[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
the chicken was already gone when I got here
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer: