Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
You Might Also Like
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.