Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
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“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
“our sushi is very fresh”
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God