Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
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If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.