Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
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It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Yup
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!