My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
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[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Perfection.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL