Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
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[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Jesus steals the winter solstice
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
she has a point
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Swedish for common sense.