[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
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If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.