date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
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I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-