If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
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*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Not today
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Wednesday
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…