shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
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“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio