Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
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Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.