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My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
no regrets
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Girl, same.